Have you ever felt like the world’s worst Christian?
Have you ever doubted Gods plan for your life?
Have you ever not trusted God?
The last 2 weeks I have been guilty of all the above!
As you know, we have our house on the market and last week it went to auction. Now, we knew there weren’t going to be any bidders as no one had registered interest, but on the day of the auction, for some reason I got my hopes up! Maybe God was going to do a miracle! Maybe, just maybe, someone would come out of the woodwork and offer us millions of dollars for our place! As the auction came and went with not one bidder, disappointment started to get in, it clawed its way into my heart and taunted me “God could have sold it if He wanted to”
As the day went on I got sadder and sadder and by the end of the day, I couldn’t stop the tears from soaking into my pillow as I lay in the darkness asking God why. Now, I know this is not helpful, but I started to believe the lies of the enemy and started questioning Gods plan for our lives.
Last week we had people come through our place 3 times (the last time with a builder) and again I let disappointment creep in, when by the end of the week no offer had come in! And again that voice provoked me “God could do it if He wanted to”
Disappointment reared its ugly head again when absolutely no one showed up to the open home, and again, when people made disheartening comments on this place, this place that we love, and call home. That voice was relentless “But God could if He wanted to. Where even is God?”
To top off my week, a house that we had been looking at slipped through our fingers and I was again left with a heavy heart and wondering where God was?
And so by the end of the week I was a mess! I was tired, I was sick of cleaning (yes, this even happens to me) and, to be honest, I couldn’t have cared less if my pantry was tidy or not. This, being the final straw, I knew I was not myself and something needed to be done!
I was starting to feel like the world’s worst Christian. Doubting God, not trusting Him and His plan for our lives, and wondering why we had thought it was a good idea in the first place to move into town! Questioning just about everything I know to be true and listening to my feelings instead of what I know to be God’s truth. I let old hairy legs get a hold of my thinking and lead me down a path that was not good for me, or anyone close to me at the time!
So, I sat myself down with a box of tissues and a coke zero, and decided I was going to have this out with God! But as the tears flowed, all I could do was apologize! I sat before God and apologized for my doubt, for my anger, for my disappointment and most of all, for not trusting Him! God has never ever (ever!) let me down, so why would this time be any different? I asked for forgiveness for allowing the lies of the enemy to be stronger in my mind than His word, His promises, and His unfailing love for me.
God listened to my ranting and then gently whispered to me “You still have no idea how much I love you, do you?” At this point I lost the plot and was thankful I was home alone so no one had to witness the mess of tears and snot that was covering my face as I lay on the lounge floor and let it all out!
He then reminded me of the promises He has made to me, and of the restoration that will come. He reminded me of past situations where He has carried me, and so many times where He made a way, where there was no way. He ever so gently reminded me that we are coming into a new season, just as He promised and He has it all under control.
But just because He has it all under control, doesn’t mean that it will all go smoothly and there won’t be bumps along the way! It also doesn’t mean that it will always go the way I think it should! But whatever way it does happen, I know it is God’s plan and His timing is perfect!
And, so as I sit here and type I look out my huge lounge window and I watch the leaves falling off the tree’s. I watch the sheep in the paddock and I look out at our little slice of paradise. Enjoying what I have now, excited about what God has for us in the future, content that God has the best in store for us and realising that I am not the world’s worst Christian, we all have blimps in our walk but He loves us anyway!
ps….and if your wondering, yes, my pantry is back to its usual tidy, lined up, everything in a row kind of pantry!