Have you ever been in a room full of people and felt completely alone?
It happened to me a lot when I was not so secure in who God’s made me to be! I remember so many times walking into a room full of people, clinging to Phil’s arm, and begging him to not leave me alone so I would have to talk to people.
I remember times, sitting in the corner of a room, wishing I was at home in the safety and security of my warm cosy bed. Sitting there wishing I was invisible or that the earth would just swallow me up! Being surrounded by people, yet feeling just so alone!
Even walking into Church was near impossible for me some weeks. I would walk into the foyer, see numerous people I knew (and some I knew well) and shrink into the corner, not having the strength or courage to talk to anyone.
For the majority of my life, I have suffered from low self-esteem. It is something I have battled with for years. Some weeks I make great progress and other weeks, well, not so much! Some weeks I can walk into a room full of people, feel comfortable and start conversations with ease. Other weeks, I struggle with who I am and what on earth I would say to people. Why would people want to talk to me? Why would they give me the time of the day, and if they did, it was only because I was Phil’s wife!! I would walk into a room with my head down, hoping not to be seen, and shrink into the background. It still amazes me, that insecurity would affect so much of my thinking that I would start to believe the lies the enemy would tell me! Lies that there was no way I would believe when feeling self-confident!
I know over the years people have thought that I have been snobby or rude when avoiding eye contact or not rushing up to talk them. Most of the time, I seem so bubbly and outgoing, but it was just my way of coping with my low self-esteem, which at times could be crippling!
As with every journey, it is one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, and one day at a time. I have good days and I have bad days. Days where I know who I am, and days where I struggle with acceptance. I have moments of utter self-confidence where I can talk to everyone and fleeting moments of insecurity where I am afraid to talk to anyone. But as I continue to seek God, His calling on my life and the truth about who He has created me to be, I continue to walk into the freedom and self-assurance He has for me!