The Death Of Who I Thought I Would Be….

There is a lot of loss in my life at the moment. God is putting to death some things that probably should have been put to death many years ago, but God in His infinite wisdom is dealing with it now!

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about saying goodbye to a dream that I had had for a few years (you can read about that here) It was a permanent goodbye and to be honest it was a hard goodbye.

And then on top of this, I read a book that I finished in 2 days as it was just so good and really spoke to me in this season that I’m in.
I have re-read so many chapters and was so impacted by it that we are now doing it as a Book Club at our Women’s Ministry at Church.
Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst was just what I have needed as I walk through this season of life.
The tagline of the book is “Living loved when you feel less than, left out and lonely.”

Lysa has so many thought provoking questions and statements. Here are a couple of my favourites:

“Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His.”

“Rejections steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst that’s been said about me.”

“Heartbreaking seasons can certainly grow me, but they were never meant to define me.”

And this one, well this one undid me:

“The death of who I thought I would be.”

This statement smacked me across the face like I was being hit with a sledgehammer. Wow! This is not something I had really thought about before, but once I read it, there were so many deaths of who I thought I would be:

When I thought as a kid I would be a Police Woman.
When as a teenager I thought I would marry my first boyfriend.
When as a Mum we planned on having 4 kids, but not being able to.
When I thought at one stage I would be living in the USA.
When I thought my life would take a different path.

I know all these things were not meant to be. God had other plans for me, but even still, sometimes the death of who I thought I would be, is a little painful.

I had so many hopes and dreams for my future, right from the time I was a little girl, and not all of them have come to pass. There have been twists and turns on my journey that no one, not even I could have predicted. There have been seasons of lack and seasons of abundance but through it all, God has had me in the palm of His hand.

I live an incredibly blessed life so please don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining at all, but just processing, and letting go of some things.

This week, it has been freeing for me to let go of the things I thought at one stage I would be. To really lay to rest those “what if’s” and “if only’s” that are so not helpful and holding me back from who God has called me to be.

Even as I sit here and type, living my blessed life, thoughts of who I could have been, come to mind. And like all thoughts that are not from God, those ones that are sent to hold us back, I fight them off with God’s truth and allow myself to be excited about my future, knowing God has got it all under control. Knowing I am exactly who He has always planned me to be!