Fighting the Shame….

As I drove out to the retreat, the shame that covered me was so tangible you could have cut it with a knife.

How did my life get to this point?
How did I get to this point?
What will people think?
What will people say?

So many (negative) thoughts ran through my mind. Maybe I could just keep driving and never come back. That way I wouldn’t have to face people and their opinions of me!

But even if the rumour mills were rampant with gossip, deep down this is something I knew I needed.

I thought the two weeks away would be my little secret, but if I don’t tell the world of my healing, how is that bringing glory to God? So, I am sharing my journey as openly and honestly as I can.

As I pulled into the driveway, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and go home. Maybe I could knock on the door and say that I was actually fine, and I was sorry for wasting their time, but that I was going home.

I took a deep breath and walked up to the door. When the woman came to the door the first thing she did was give me a hug. Not a token hug, you know those ones with 3 pats on the back, but she gave me a real hug. One that said, “I understand, this is hard but you’re going to be okay.” And at that moment, I knew I would be!

As I sat on my bed in my cozy wee room, a room with a beautiful painting on the wall and fresh flowers on the dresser, I felt like a fish out of water! What was I doing here?  What was I thinking, leaving my family for 12 days to come out here and do who knows what? To achieve who knows what? To end up, who knows where!

At the retreat, all that is asked of you is that you have meals together. Breakfast is brought to you in bed, but lunch and dinner are in the dining room. (although you are not even allowed to clear your own plate!)

As we all sat there that first night (there were 4 of us there) eating our dinner, the room was deathly quiet. Everyone with their own story of how they got there. Everyone tired and broken from what the world had thrown at them! Everyone probably wondering why everyone else was there.

It didn’t take long for the talkers to start talking. To share their stories and tell their tales. But for me, I saw this as a time where I didn’t need to talk. I didn’t need the limelight and I didn’t need the attention.

I don’t think I have ever had the reputation of being “the quiet” one but that’s how I was known, and I was okay with that!

As I lay in bed that first night, snuggled under my warm blanket, listening to the rain on the roof, I could still feel the shame hanging over me like a lion waiting on his prey, ready to pounce at any weak moment!

But as I drifted off to sleep, I heard God whisper “We’ve got this honey, you and me, we’ve got this”

Continued on the next blog…..

Here is part one in this series if you missed it!