Let the Healing Begin….

The first few days of the retreat were hard.
No, not the parts where I was brought breakfast in bed. Not the part where there were fresh muffins every morning. Not the part where all my meals were prepared for me, served to me, and then cleared away for me. Not the part where I had all the time in the world. And not the part where I was given freedom and grace to just be.

The hard part was where I missed my family. The part where I missed my puppy. The part where I wasn’t sure who I was or who I was meant to be. The part where I didn’t know where to begin to find my healing. The hard part, that I was here because I needed healing.

The first few days I cried. Because I could. I could lay on my bed while the tears flowed and I knew that no one would check on me. That was the beauty of that place. I could talk if I needed, I could confide if I needed, or I could lay on my bed and cry with no one checking on me if I needed!

I knew they were not healing tears, they would come later.
These were tears of confusion, of wondering how and why, and most of all they were tears of grief.

The grief that my life had got to this point. Grief over the things I should have grieved but had not given myself space to. Grief over things that had happened, grief over things that had not happened.

Grief over loss, over disappointments, and the grief of accepting my life for what it was. Broken.

So many tears and so little answers! But I knew this was not a time for answers, God was giving me this time to grieve, to lay there and pour it all out to him, all the while collecting my tears and being ever so gentle with me.
Just listening, as all good Dad’s do. Not fixing, not healing, not blaming, just listening. And the more he listened, the more I spoke. I spoke of my hurts and disappointments. I spoke of the past and I spoke about the future. I spoke about things that made sense, and things that didn’t. And all the while, he just listened.

For 6 days, he listened. I didn’t rant and rave and carry on, I just shared my heart that was so broken.
I cried. He listened. It was beautiful.

And on the 7^th day, we rested. The tears stopped. He still listened but my heart and mouth were still. This was a day of rest for what was to come.

Continued on next blog…..

Click to read part one and part two.