A Revelation Of Repentance!

Repentance.
We all know we are meant to do it right?
But what does repentance look like?

At the start of this year God gave me three words:
Rend.
Repent.
Restore.

I am on a journey to discover the treasures God has hidden in these words for me. How each word is woven into my story.
Lately, I have been exploring the word repent.
This is something God said I need to do this year, but what does that even look like?

Being a “doer” I thought I had to do. To sit with my rosary beads and say a thousand “hail marys” To get on my knees and apologize to God for all my wrongdoings, and yep, I even made a list of them all!  Did I need to apologize daily? Hourly? Every 15 minutes? How many sorry’s were enough? I had to make up for all I had done wrong and somehow make it right! I had to fix it!

I was talking with a friend asking her how I would know I have repented enough?
How many apologies were enough?
Could I even apologize enough?
How long would I need to be on my knees?
How would I know I have fully repented?

She said to me “You know what the actual word repentance means right?”
I said “Of course, it means to turn away from”

And as the words came out of my mouth, I had a revelation of what repentance truly was.
It wasn’t about how many hail marys I could say or how many times I said I was sorry. It wasn’t about spending the next year on my knees questioning if I had done enough.

It was all about turning from my sin and turning back to God, wholeheartedly.
Simple right?
But in my mind, I was still struggling to accept God’s unconditional love and acceptance.
“Surely its not that easy God? Surely I have to “fix” this, make up for my disobedience and rebellion? I have to make up all the times I had headed in the wrong direction, I have to make this right?”

And God gently whispered to me, “It is done.”

Jesus paid the price for my sin. At the cross, fully and completely. And as I tried to wrap my head around the fact that Jesus did that for me, again I tried to “fix” it with God…..

“But how can I make up for what I have done? How can I thank Jesus enough for all He did? How God, how?”
And again (seriously, how patient is our God?) He whispered “Honey stop. You can’t fix this. You don’t need to fix this. It is done. Surrender (fully) to Me, turn back to me with all of your heart, that is enough.”

And so I stopped.
I stopped trying to “fix” it.
I stopped trying to justify my “doing” with God.
I stopped trying so hard.

I said a quiet “thank you” and sat at the foot of the Cross in awe and wonder.

Oh, how I wish that’s where the story ended! That I could tell you I am at peace just sitting at the foot of the Cross, knowing I am fully forgiven. But alas, my human nature is a hard thing to retrain and so daily I am giving my “fixing and doing” over to Him. Daily I am focusing fully on Him. Daily I am giving thanks. Daily I am turning back to God. Daily.

I will get there. It will take time and perseverance, but I will get there. One day, I will realize I am fully forgiven and stop trying so hard.

One day I know that my head knowledge will become heart convictions and I will rest.