Grieving What Is Lost…..

Grief is a funny thing.
It hits you at the most unexpected times and runs you over like a steam train.

The thing I am learning about grief is sometimes it’s the loss of things you don’t think will matter, that hit you the hardest.

We all know the loss of a loved one, a family pet or someone we love is a major loss. We expect grief to follow right? But lately, it’s the loss of unexpected things that are hitting me hard.

The loss of a dream.
The loss of friends.
The loss of who I thought was going to be.
The loss of what was.

As I was sitting in church the other day, grief came over me like a tidal wave. I sat and wept as I thought about all I had lost this year. I know I am not alone in this, it has been a crazy year for us all, but for some reason, it hard me hard that day.

I sat and I wept over friendships that look different than they did a year ago. I wept over people who are no longer in my life. I wept for the things I thought were going to be, but won’t come to fruition. I sat and I wept uncontrollably. It wasn’t pretty and I wished I could have done it in private, but I guess God wanted to remind me that vulnerability is a strength!

I am learning this year to “sit with what provokes me” and if God brings something to the surface, then it’s the perfect time for me to deal with it, well, at least start the process of dealing with it!

“Sit with what provokes me” is a line I read in a book recently, and then someone close to me also said it in conversation (God doesn’t do coincidences!)
It is easy to sit with things that I’m comfortable with, but I am quick to move on from those things that provoke me. I mean, who wants to sit with all the hard things? But as I learn to sit with these things, that’s when the revelation and the healing can come.

Boy is it hard!
It would be so much easier to move on from the hurt, to bury it so deep it won’t have the chance to resurface. But I know that in the long run, God wants to clear the path for me, not just move the debris because He knows  I will trip over it again (and again!) He’s all about clearing, healing, and restoring, not burying and ignoring.

So this week I am sitting with the hurt. I’m sitting with the pain and the anguish that comes with all kinds of grief. I am processing, be it ever so slowly. But small progress is better than no progress…Right?