It’s Just A Number Right?

That’s what they say:

“It’s just a number.”

It doesn’t define you.
You don’t get your worth from it.
It doesn’t matter what the number is.
Be happy and don’t look at the numbers.

This week I hit a pretty big milestone on the calendar of my life. I hit the number 50.
Even typing that number brings all kinds of emotions to the surface. For the last little while, I have been using the word “fiddy” as if pronouncing it incorrectly would make it any less painful!
I know this number doesn’t define me, but I have to be honest, it is bringing up all kinds of feelings this week.

I’m not a hundred percent sure why. Maybe because I feel I’ve lived over half my life and I realize how much of the first half I wasted. Maybe it feels likes a downhill slide from here on out. Maybe I’m not where I thought I would be, and there is pressure to make the rest of my life count. Maybe it’s because when I look in the mirror, I see the evidence of a life well-lived. I see the scars and wrinkles time has etched. I see the consequences of the choices I have made.
Maybe it’s all of the above!

And so as this number looms ever closer,  I contemplate life and all that it’s delivered me.
I reflect on decisions made. I remember regrets and I fight the memories that cause tears to run down my cheeks. The loss, the heartache, the betrayal.
Years of battling demons that were never mine to battle. Choices made that have had lasting consequences. Actions that have caused hurt and pain. Careless words spoken. Emotions played with and trampled on. Loved ones lost in the battle of life. Babies that never had a chance to live. Friendships that have died. People who have chosen a different life. People that have not chosen me.

Or I could choose to flip it on its head.

I can look in the mirror and see the lines and wrinkles from years and years of laughter. I can look at the physical scars and see the healing that has taken place.

I can look at the choices that have led me to where I am today. For my faithful family and friends who have embraced me for all I am.
I can choose to see the decisions that have given me a life so beautiful, some days I am humbled by all I have.
To see God in all I have been through. To see His hand upon my life. His goodness, and faithfulness that has never left me.
To reminisce on the adventures I have sojourned.
To see the challenges that have made me stronger and more resilient than I thought imaginable. To see the strength that has grown as I have battled against the darkness that has threatened to overwhelm me, seeing His light that has always led the way for me.

I can choose to be thankful for His Sovereignty over my life, that He knows and has always known what is best for me. That He has designed this life just for me. That I am loved beyond measure, and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
And I can choose to see and count every single blessing in my life.

And so this week, I have made a choice to embrace 50. I choose not to dwell on the past, with all of my failings and shortcomings, but to embrace the journey God has me on.
To learn from my misadventures, and to grow as I embrace each season. I can run (albeit a little bit slower these days!) into the rest of my life with the passion and zeal of someone who is completely loved by God. Knowing I am blessed beyond measure and knowing I am exactly where I am meant to be……wrinkles and all!