Follow the Process…..

God has called me to live a life of transparency.

It means I am brutally honest with my life, my struggles, and my journey.
So I am sharing this current part of my journey in obedience to God.
It is my prayer that by sharing my journey, you can be more open and honest with yours. We are all broken, whether we would like to admit it or not, and there is no shame in that!

I have spent the last 12 days at a retreat for women. A place where you can relax, take time out from your usual life, gather your thoughts and breathe!

A place where there are no expectations, and I mean none! No meals to cook, dishes to do, or cleaning to be done. No workshops to attend, no meetings to discuss my life and no one telling me to stick to a schedule. I could stay in bed all day if I really wanted to, I could shower when I wanted (or not) and the beach was at my doorstep to breathe in the sea air!

Now I know this sounds bliss and what any woman would want, but the lies the enemy threw at me were enough for me not to want to go! Genuinely, I did not want to go!

“You are not worthy of such extravagance and care.”
“You are so broken that 12 days away will not help you?”
“I don’t even think you can be helped.”
“It will be a complete waste of time, theirs and yours!”

All these thoughts were swirling through my head as I was given this amazing opportunity.

But I didn’t see it as an opportunity. I saw it as a punishment for not coping with all that life threw at me!
I saw it as a band-aid that was never going to cover something that ran so deep.

I saw it as 12 days away from my family that was indulgent and selfish.

As I sat in the Doctor’s office while he filled in the forms, I couldn’t help the tears. How did my life get to this point? How did my beautiful life end up here?

My Doctor handed me a tissue and reassured me I would be okay. God has me, and he won’t let me go. I won’t be in this place forever, it is just a season I am walking through. I will be okay. (seriously, you all need my Doctor, he is the best!)

When the woman phoned to book me in, I told her I was so incredibly busy there is no way I could go. She said that maybe, that is the exact reason I needed to be there. I agreed and hesitantly made the booking!

Those few weeks before I went, the enemy had a field day throwing lie after lie at me. I confided in a close friend who had been to the retreat and I bombarded her with a thousand question, all of which I knew she couldn’t answer but I just needed someone to throw all my thoughts at:

What if I spend all day on my phone?
So what if you do?

What if I waste all my time?
So what if you do?

What if I don’t hear from God?
So what if you don’t?

What if I don’t come home “fixed”?
So what if you don’t?

She was such an encouragement and I am so incredibly thankful for her wisdom and gentleness as I threw question after question at her!
Everyone thought this was a great idea, everyone except for me!

God has been teaching me recently that he has a plan and I just need to “Follow the process” so I reluctantly packed my bags and headed into the great unknown…….

Continued in the next blog!