Taking Off My Big Girl Pants…..

You have no idea how many times a day I tell myself to put on my big girl pants and get over it!
It is a common thing that swirls around in my head and quite often falls out of my mouth!

We live in a society where we are told to just suck it up and get on with life.
Don’t let things affect you, push it to the side and carry on.
“Put on your big girl pants” and live as though you are big and strong and brave!

And sometimes, yes, it’s a good thing. For those times you feel like they left half your chips out of your order, or the time you spill milk all over the floor, or even the time when your fast food order is anything but fast! For those small hiccups in life and for those things that unsettle your demeanor and knock you a little off your balance, it’s okay to put on your big girl pants and get over it! In fact, it’s the right thing to do!

But sometimes, it’s not good. Like when you bury major hurts and ignore your emotions. When you fob off the healing and help that God is so graciously offering. And when you gloss over tragic life events as though they were ‘normal’.

For the longest time, I have lumped all these life events together. I had put the spilling of milk into the same category as the loss of a dream. Placed my annoyance of not enough fries in the same basket as dealing with unmet expectations of life. And as they all sat in the same column, I had the same solution:
“Put on your big girl pants and get over it!”

But I have decided I am taking off my big girl pants when it comes to the things that really matter, and allowing the healing to start that has been neglected for so long. Now, I am sure there will be times when I pull them out of the drawer and put them on again, but for this season, my big girl pants are put away.

Because without my big girl pants on, I have to face the truth. Without them, I have to own my emotions. And by taking them off, I am totally exposed and have no choice but to rely on God.

For me, my big girl pants look like self-reliance:
“No really, I’ve got this.”
“It’s okay, I can do this on my own.”
“I don’t need any help, I’ll just muddle through”
“Just smile and wave and you’ll convince everyone you’re fine.”
And so on and so on, and so on!

My big girl pants have held me back from the healing that God has been offering for so long. My self-reliance and self-hatred (yes, I know that is a strong word, but just calling it for what it is!) have kept me captive in a wee bubble that didn’t allow for anyone else in my world. I didn’t even allow room for God in my world!

Now please hear me, this is not in all area’s of my life. I was quite happy to allow God and people into most of my life, even some of the hard parts. But there were those deep down unresolved hurts that I shut everyone out of. Those things that I thought brought me shame and condemnation. Those things the enemy was using to keep me at arm’s length from those who truly loved me, and most of all, God.

Oh, how the enemy loved it when I put on my big girl pants. When I turned up to events exhausted. When I shut out people who loved me. When I ‘fake’ smiled on a Sunday morning and told people I was fine. When I told myself that I was okay and to just get over it! When I worked non stop and still punished myself for not doing enough! Oh, the damage he could do when I had those pants on!

But no longer! The pants are off and they are in the draw.  I am now starting to face those hard things. Naked. Vulnerable. Exposed. Open to all that God has for me. Longing to be through this process that seems to be taking forever, but all along the way finding the gems God has for me.

Pants or no pants, God has me, and for that, I am incredibly thankful.