Finding My Words Again.

Hello, my friend.
It’s been a while.
In fact, it’s been a long hot minute since I have come on here and put pen to paper, so to speak.

It’s currently 5 am and the house is dark and quiet as the rest of the family sleep. I too wish I were asleep, but sleep eludes me at the moment. So here I am with a cup of tea and the puppy by my side embracing the quiet. It is beautifully peaceful as I sit and I contemplate a season that has not been so beautiful, or so peaceful.

It has been a hard season. In fact the hardest I have walked through in a very long time.
It has been a season of unimaginable hurt. Betrayal, loss, and grief have been close companions as I have navigated the last few months.

It’s been a season of false accusations, ugly rumors, and untruths told behind our backs. There has been a shunning from those around us and betrayal from those closest to us. It has been a season of searching deep within and taking responsibility for my part in the misunderstandings that have occurred. A season of forgiving and asking for forgiveness. A season of letting go.

It has been hard, it has been horrible, it has been brutal.

The honest truth is I have been too scared to write, to use my words. Too scared of what would come out of my mouth. Afraid that if I started to write again, I would not be able to stop. That the hurt and pain would all come tumbling out, and because I know the power of words and how much damage they can cause when used out of hurt or anger, I have kept them close to my chest.

All I have wanted to do is scream at the top of my lungs how unfair everything is. To jump on social media and defend myself. To tell my side of the story. To retaliate against those who have hurt us. But time and time again God reminds me that vengeance is His, that He will defend and protect. He knows the truth, and at the end of the day, that is all that truly matters. We are each accountable to Him and we will all stand in judgment one day for the things we have said and done. Oh, that I would stand before him blameless and Holy.

And so I have stayed silent. I have sat with all my words, the tears, and the grief and allowed God to slowly put back together the shattered pieces of my heart. To allow the healing to come. But it hasn’t been pretty and I am still on the journey to find myself again.

To find who I am without the hurt and the sadness. To find who God is shaping me to be. To learn and grow from these experiences and allow God to use these things to shape me more like His Son.

And so, I am finding my words again, be it ever so slowly. I have missed them, but I know I have been hidden in this season for a purpose. I have been sheltered under His wings. There I have found refuge from the relentless demands of the world. From the hurt and pain that has consumed me. There I have found solace and a place for the healing to begin

As we celebrate Holy Week this week and as we prepare for Easter, I set my eyes on Jesus. He is what it is all about. My suffering fails in comparison to what He went through for me. For the price He paid. A price that I am not worthy of receiving, but one I humbly accept with arms open wide.