Kathy Who?

“I don’t even know who I am anymore”

This has been my catchphrase for the last couple of years!
Everything I thought I knew about myself has been tipped upside down and some days I feel like I am starting from scratch.

On one hand, you can look at it as an exciting journey. “Who could I become, how can I recreate myself?” and on the other hand, it scares the bejeebers out of me. “I’m almost 50 how can I not know who I am by now? I don’t even know who I want to be!”

I am learning to accept that I have been through some traumatic experiences in my life. The word traumatic is not one I use often, it makes me feel like such a drama queen! But the truth is, I have been through trauma.

The word traumatic means “deeply disturbing or distressing” and that pretty much sums up some of my experiences, right back from when I was a kid. Over the years I have tried to downplay these experiences and write them off as “just life, everyone goes through stuff” but God is showing me the impact these moments have had over the years. How they have shaped my thoughts and colored my view of not only the world but of myself as well.

Allowing myself to relive those experiences so I can change how I see them and how they have shaped me, is a process I am learning.
It’s not about changing what happened or dwelling on the past, it’s about acknowledging what happened and changing my thoughts around those events. To be able to look outside the experience, and see the love that was around me, the people who stood with me, and to embrace the person who I have become because of those events. To realize that God was with me every step of the way. And He still is.

I am learning that I am still Kathy. Possibly a little more refined, but the essence of who I am is the same. God doesn’t want me to be any less Kathy than I was 10 years ago. Maybe a bit more of Him and a little less of me, but God is not trying to change my DNA.

He made me, knowing I would love Christmas. I would love McDonald’s, Coke, and Amish novels. He knows that if there is a burger and fries on the menu, I will go for it every time. He knows that family is everything to me and He even knows that puppy videos make me cry. He has given me the heart to help young women and a passion for Bible journaling. I am learning to embrace these things that make me who I am!

I am learning to be okay with myself, quirks and all. I know those pieces of me that are falling away, are for my good. So I can get closer to Him. So I can hear His voice more clearly. Pruning is done when He is closest to us.

So Kathy is here to stay!
Kathy Strong is living the best version of herself that she can. There will be more improvements along the way and there will continue to be more in the future, but for now, I will let go and let God, and allow Kathy to be fully and unashamedly Kathy!

And the more I embrace her, the more He embraces me.