Am I Still In Grief?

I was chatting with a friend the other day and she asked how I was.
I said “I’m okay, not great, but okay. Nothing is wrong, but I feel all out of sorts and I can’t put my finger on it.”
She said that’s totally understandable considering what I am going through, and I asked her what she meant. She rattled off everything she has noticed in this season for me. When she was done, I was like wow, no wonder I’m out of sorts!

While technically nothing is wrong, I have had a lot of changes and am still processing grief.
Now grief comes in all shapes and sizes and is not a one-size-fits-all. Just when you think you have dealt with one grief, another sneaks up and while you’re still trying to process the first one, you are now left dealing with another sort that compounds and adds up to a whole nother level of grief!

It’s not all doom and gloom though. I am making progress, and the grief of last year is slowly being laid to rest. But life is never a standstill moment and just as you make progress on one thing, another crops up to grow your character and perseverance even more!
You gotta love learning moments, right?

But actually, I do!
If I had not been through the last season I would not be where I am today, and despite all the grief at the moment, I am in a good place! I am loving the time I get to hang with God. I am content (finally) in this season and even though it’s hard, hard doesn’t equate to bad!

And so to answer my own question, yes, I am still in grief. But I’m not stagnant and I am growing while grieving. I am learning so much about God and myself along the way. I am leaning in on God and He is embracing me and all my emotions, the rational ones and the ones that aren’t so much!

I’m realizing that there is beauty amongst the grief, and if I look for it, there are always good things to be discovered.

For this too shall pass. It may leave scars and deep impressions and never be completely forgotten, but the pain will become less as I lean into my new normal!