A Medical Diagnosis I Didn’t Want!

It’s 3 am and sleep eludes me.
Pain has woken me yet again from another fitful slumber.
After laying in bed for 2 hours I could do it no longer. Often Phil’s deep rhythmic breathing (aka snoring!) would soothe me, knowing he was so close, knowing I wasn’t alone. But not tonight.

And so I find myself in my favorite chair, puppy happily snoring next to me, hot chocolate in hand waiting for the pain meds to kick in.

This week has been hard.
Not the hard that has been my normal for the past couple of years. Not burnout hard, loss of friends hard, delay hard or even grief hard. This is a new kind of hard. One I am navigating without a road map, and one I am not entirely on board for. But then again, are we ever on board for hard?

For the last couple of months, I have not been myself. Fatigue, aches, pains, loss of appetite, brain fog, and more fatigue. 
Time to visit the Dr for some answers. Blood was drawn and I was expecting the “You need iron tablets again” or “It’s just hormones” or the “get more exercise and cut out carbs” answers. But not this time.

This time, it was a text at 9.30 at night saying he would call at 7.30 the next morning with results and a management plan. A management plan? What kind of diagnosis needs a management plan? I don’t want a management plan, I just want to be fixed! Surely more iron tablets would solve whatever it was. A management plan is not a quick fix, nor is it a simple solution. A management plan is serious business!

As I talked with my Doctor, the tears flowed as I realized that what I thought was going on, was in fact reality. My reality. As much as I tried to convince myself it was nothing, the signs and symptoms all pointed to it and now the blood tests confirmed it.

Rheumatoid Arthritis.

An autoimmune disease where your body attacks itself. Instead of fighting off infection, it turns on itself and attacks the very thing it’s meant to be protecting.
And then further investigations revealed more.

Autoimmune Hepatitis.

Again, an autoimmune disease where your body attacks itself, this time attacking my liver.
No wonder I have been so incredibly fatigued. My body is fighting twice as hard as it should, leaving me with no reserves for day-to-day decisions, let alone anything beyond that.
As I sat there trying to take it all in, my mind was swirling with a thousand questions, none of which can be answered…..yet. It is early days and I don’t know what the future looks like.

This is by no means a death sentence; hundreds of people live with these conditions, but some changes must be made. Both of these are considered chronic illnesses which require ongoing medical attention and lifestyle changes. There is no cure, just management plans.
Steroids are my best friend currently until my long-term meds kick in.

As I have grappled with it all this week, there have been tears along the way. Tears of frustration, tears of the unknown, tears because I am so tired and when I try to comprehend it all, nothing makes sense.
When I struggle to be present in a conversation, when I can’t for the life of me figure out what to have for dinner or what to wear, when making a decision on anything is in the too-hard basket, when I have to cancel plans with friends or when I am laid up on the couch in pain, tears have been my only answer this week. And so I have let them flow.

So why am I sharing this with you?
Honestly, hand on my heart, I can say it is not for pity or sympathy. I really don’t want to be “that girl”
But God has called me to live as transparently as I can, and so I share as openly and honestly as I’m able. The good and the bad. The easy and the hard. The ugly and the beautiful. All of it is part of my journey, and this too is one of those chapters. A hard chapter, but just a chapter nonetheless.

And you know what?
I will be okay. In fact, I will be more than okay.
God will get me through this. He will find a way where there is no way. He will light the path, one step at a time, going before me, and being right by my side as I navigate this new normal.
He will bring healing if that’s His plan, and He will bring understanding and acceptance. I will once again sing of His goodness and His grace. This I pray, will bring glory to God in a way that I can’t comprehend yet. And I am always up for a miracle!

I will find the strength to fight this. But not this week. This week, I rest, I cry and I allow myself to feel all the feelings. I sit in HIs presence and let His love wash over me. It is all part of the process. The process of becoming.