Failure!

It’s not a word that I like.
Actually, I don’t think any of us particularly like the word, and what makes it all the worse, is when we have to live it out.

This week failure has been a reality for me.
The last couple of weeks have been extremely hard and just when you start to catch your breath, you get slammed again from a different direction! Talk about growing my capacity!

I had a project I was working on, and this week we had to pull the plug on it. Now I know all the practical reasons why we had to do it, but my heart is having a hard time catching up with my head.
My heart is aching for what could have been.
My heart is aching for what was lost.
And my heart is aching because I feel like I have failed.

Now, I would tell anyone else in my shoes that it was not a failure, it was just a (big) learning curve. That it’s okay to be disappointed but to not let it get you down. I would tell them that failure is not fatal and that it is a part of life. If we don’t fail, we don’t learn! And that failure is the opportunity to begin again, this time with more wisdom. I would tell anyone else that and I would tell them its okay.

But the honest truth is, today I am not feeling okay. I have spent the day crying, and I am not talking silent tears friends, but big old ugly crying! You know the type where the sobs get stuck in your chest and you just know your eyes are puffier than a puffy thing!

I think tonight will be a Big Mac and fries kind of dinner washed down with an ice cold coke zero!

But you know what? That is today. Tomorrow is a new day!
Tomorrow I get my fight back on. Tomorrow is a “You can’t keep me down, I am a fighter” kind of day, and the next day will be the same, and the next day, and the next and the day after that! I will not allow this (or any other) failure to define who I am or what I do. I will not allow it to stop me from doing what God is calling me to do. And I will certainly not allow it to stop me from pursuing my dreams. I read a quote that said, “Failure is a bruise, not a tattoo.” And it is so true! As much as it hurts today, this too shall pass.

So today as I allow my heart to heal, I will seek God in the lessons He has for me to learn through this experience. I will allow Him to work on those parts in me that are still struggling, and I will remember, that no matter what, God loves me more than I can ever know. His love for me is not dependant on whether I succeed or fail.

Amongst the raw reality of what I am feeling at this moment, I am so incredibly grateful for His unconditional love and the ability He has given me to look beyond the here and now and see my gracious, forgiving God in everything I do. With God, there is always hope, and so today I choose to hold on to that hope.